Workshop Group Comments 1

Jessica –

I liked your piece because it had a very personal tone to it. You were able to clearly express your feelings and your state of mind during the time that you discuss. The opening line was very powerful and a good hook for people who both have and haven’t had similar experiences.

However, I think overall your piece gives us more questions than answers. Did you find an alternative to therapy? If so, what was it? I feel like the pivotal moment should not have been focused on what didn’t work but rather what did.

Steven –

The writing was pretty good overall except for some areas in which the complexity became distracting and confusing at times. I liked a lot of your phrases, as I usually do, and I liked your conclusions.

But, I can’t help but read this as more of a social critique/anthropological piece than a personal essay. Your feelings are almost lost in this piece and it’s hard to find the “personal” quality of this essay other than it was a piece about your grandfather. I think it would be a stronger piece if it focused on how that relationship, albeit almost non-existent, between your grandfather and yourself made you feel.

Myles –

The race relations you touch on are fascinating and I’m sure almost everybody can relate to them. I think you do a good job outlining general attitudes as well as specific tendencies of prejudice.

At the same time though, I really was waiting to hear a more direct story of how race relations affected you. What made you see that racism was wrong in the first place? I want to see a scene in which you were directly involved that had both races present – not just a classmate spewing racial jokes behind other students’ backs.

Besides that, I like a lot of your wording and your clear, concise writing.

Simona –

I think your piece was superbly well written.  The settings and your idealistic aspirations are very well fleshed out. I also really liked the way you incorporated translated dialogue – it really served to add interest to the piece.

The one thing I have to say about your piece is that the ending kind of took away from the rest of the article. To me, it comes off as your whole disappointment in the U.S. was because you saw one piece of trash in the airport. I can’t imagine that was the only and most profound reason.  I would like to see something more concrete and perhaps more significant. What other negative experiences did you have? Do you still feel the same way?

Andrea –

I loved your scenes – they were very well depicted, so much so that I saw myself sitting with you in your hospital room. I really enjoyed the clarity of your sentence structures as well.
However, as much of a good story this is, I feel like there is not a very strong punch to it. I was wondering what else you took away from this besides your newfound awareness of your pain threshold.